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Are you beating yourself up for getting divorced? Feeling guilty for dragging your kids through so many changes? Take a cue from singer Adele, who wrote her new song Easy On Me to help her son understand the reasons for her divorce and to ask him to forgive her for upending his life. Here, the singer talks about her motivation:
“I just felt like I wanted to explain to him, through this record, when he’s in his twenties or thirties, who I am and why I voluntarily chose to dismantle his entire life in the pursuit of my own happiness,” Adele told British Vogue in a recent interview. “It made him really unhappy sometimes. And that’s a real wound for me that I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to heal.”
Are you hiding onto to lots of guilt and shame in your divorce? Learn how to “take it easy” on yourself with these tips for reframing how you think about divorce.
4 Reasons To Take It Easy On Yourself After Divorce
Divorce signals the end of a relationship that wasn’t working. Having the strength to leave a bad situation is a success, not a failure. You should congratulate yourself for your decision to move on because:
- You can’t change the past. Wishing you’d done things differently? Embarrassed by your behavior? Angry at your ex’s? Wondering why you picked the darn fool to begin with? It’s important to grieve what you lost, but at some point you must accept that all the regrets in the world won’t change your past. Reframe your mistakes and hurts as lessons and concentrate on positive co-parenting.
- Staying in a miserable marriage hurts kids. There will always be a friend, a relative, or a magazine article to remind you of the negative effects divorce has on children. But, guess what? Staying in a bad marriage hurts them too! Kids don’t thrive when they feel responsible for their parents’ happiness, or worse, feel stuck in the middle of a war zone. Conflict is what really damages children, not divorce in and of itself. Good for you for removing your kids from a toxic home environment!
- It’s a time for personal growth. Marinating in self-blame and regret will hinder the opportunity that divorce provides: time and space for transformation. You no longer have to expend energy trying to fix a marriage that’s irrevocably broken. You are out from under the thumb of someone who didn’t support you, or who really didn’t understand who you are. You no longer have to bear the pain of being lonely with another person. Take this time to clarify your values, set new goals, and align your actions with the things that truly matter.
- You have an opportunity to model good qualities to your children. If you and your ex couldn’t model a healthy union, it’s better to get out and be an improved version of yourself. You won’t do your kids any favors by being chronically angry, oppressed, or martyred. Show them what a responsible, self-actualized adult looks like — as well as a good relationship, when you meet the right person.
Although no one should take the decision to divorce lightly, it’s clear that good things can, and do, come from ending a bad marriage. So relax and take comfort in the belief that you and children will flourish in the aftermath.
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