From Arnold and Maria to your newly divorced neighbor down the street, why does it seem
like everyone these days who is contemplating divorce or separation is also considering divorce
mediation?
When a divorce is privately mediated rather than litigated, you and your soon-to-be former spouse
meet with a neutral third party, the mediator. With the mediator’s help, you will all work through
the issues needed to be addressed in order to end your marriage in an amicable and cost-effective
manner. But does divorce mediation really work for everyone? And what about child custody
agreements–are these addressed during the mediation process?
If you have done any online research for answers to your questions about private (non-court
mandated) divorce mediation, chances are you have come across a great deal of conflicting–and
just plain false–information. So to clear the air, we decided to address the top seven myths about
mediation and give you the facts about what this divorce process really entails.
1 – Myth: Mediation is for Everyone
Fact: In order to move forward with divorce mediation, both parties must agree to participate.
Unlike being served with divorce papers, you cannot be served a summons to show up for a
private mediation session (be aware that the rules for court mandated mediation are different).
If your former spouse asks you to participate in mediation, you and/or your lawyer should strongly
consider the merits of this process if conditions such as the following are present:
• a history of physical/emotional abuse
• substance abuse or mental health issues that lead to impaired judgment
• you suspect that your former spouse is hiding assets
Because mediation requires both parties to actively participate in deciding the terms of their
divorce, the emotional impact of lingering abuse issues, impaired judgment, or a former spouse who
is hiding something are concerns that just do not fit this model of “amicable divorce”.
2 – Myth: Mediation Means I Will Settle For Less Than What I Deserve
Fact: Because divorce mediation can be less expensive in the long-run than a litigated divorce,
you may both be able to hang on to more of your money up front in the form of reduced legal
costs. When it comes to dividing the assets of your marriage, remember that New Jersey is an
equitable distribution state–marital assets, property, and debt that have been accumulated during
the course of a marriage are divided fairly and equitably in a divorce. Whether you work with
a mediator or go before a judge, it is in your best interest to have a lawyer with you to make
your case for what is a “fair and equitable” division of assets. Remember, a mediator only works
with the information you provide; a good lawyer can help you prepare and present the necessary
documents to strengthen your claims.
If your divorce law firm has both qualified mediators and attorneys, as we have at Weinberger
Divorce & Family Law Group, LLC, please be aware that the firm cannot serve you in both capacities. A mediator
acts in a neutral role to help both parties whereas an attorney acts on one person’s behalf in an
independent advocate role.
3 – Myth: Lawyers Want to Litigate Not Mediate
Fact: The American Bar Association has embraced divorce mediation since 1984 when the
ABA put out their own set of standards for attorneys who wished to serve as divorce mediators.
By 2000, the family law section of the American Bar Association collaborated with national
mediation groups to devise the Model Standards of Practice for Family and Divorce Mediation.
You will find that many law firms, including Weinberger Divorce & Family Law Group, LLC , have attorneys on staff
who serve as impartial third party mediators. Divorce mediators do not have to be lawyers, but
we think it is to your benefit to have someone mediate who is trained in family and matrimonial
law.
We also believe that it is still in your best interest to have a lawyer by your side to guide and help
you during the mediation process. The choice to undergo private mediation is up to you and your
spouse. If your lawyer suggests that ligation in your case is a better way to proceed, make sure
you understand the reasoning behind this–and do not be reluctant to begin the process.
4 – Myth: Mediation Will Not Work Because I Cannot Stand to be in the Same Room as My
Former Spouse, Let Alone Negotiate With This Person.
Fact: We get it. You can’t even make eye contact with your former spouse without an argument
breaking out, so how are you supposed to work together on an agreement? Helping you
communicate with each other is at the heart of a mediator’s job. A good mediator keeps your
conversations productive and focused, especially when you find yourselves fighting the same old
fights. As the mediation process steers you toward making rational decisions you both think are
fair, we find this can often, but not always, lead to decreased animosity between parties. In cases
where mediation is desired by both spouses, but being in the same room is just not productive
at this time, it is possible to schedule separate appointments to work with the mediator, with the
goal of eventually being able to meet together.
5 – Myth: The Mediator’s Goal is to Save My Marriage
Fact: Mediators are not family or couples therapists. Their job is not to offer marital counseling
or somehow patch things up. By using mediation, both parties are agreeing that the issues in
a divorce need to be addressed and decided. Mediators are there to focus only on helping you
come up with a way to separate that you both think is fair and workable.
6 – Myth: Mediation Will Not Work If Child Custody Issues Are Involved
Fact: Research supports the notion that when families go through mediation rather than a waged
custody battle in court, children tend to have better long-term relationships with both parents.
What is behind this? As parents hammer out an agreement in mediation, it is often a time when
both parties face the fact that they will have an ongoing relationship as parents. It is also an
opportunity for spouses to realize that when it comes to the kids, they can be on the same side:
putting their children first. This is not to say that all child custody agreements should be handled
by a mediator. In instances where mediation is appropriate, however, we find that when parties
come up with a parenting plan they’ve jointly agreed on and gain tools to communicate with each
other about their children, it benefits the whole family.
7 – Myth: Determining Who is a Good Mediator is Like Finding a Needle in a Haystack
Fact: Currently, no state requires a private mediator to be licensed or certified, including New
Jersey. As a result, there is no shortage of people who have simply hung out their shingle
as a divorce mediator, some with questionable credentials. How do you find a good divorce
mediator? Look for someone with a strong knowledge of the state’s divorce laws (mediators are
not supposed to give legal advice, but can dispense legal information), a graduate degree in law,
at least 60 hours in mediation training/experience, and a commitment to following the ModelStandards of Practice for Family and Divorce Mediation.
At Weinberger Divorce & Family Law Group, LLC, we provide private divorce mediators as well as divorce attorneys
who are experienced in all aspects of the divorce process. For your personal consultation on
whether our services match your needs, please call us at (973) 520-8822 or use our Contact Us
form to schedule your initial consultation.
New Year, New Life: Grounds for Divorce in New Jersey
There are a number of acceptable grounds for divorce in New Jersey. New Jersey divorce law does include both fault and no-fault grounds, however, the terms of a final settlement are not necessarily determined based on fault or no-fault in a divorce (find additional information in our articles about contested divorce and uncontested divorce in New Jersey).
As you start to think seriously about filing for divorce, you should consider which of the following grounds apply in your situation, such as:
– Irreconcilable Differences: Because this is one of New Jersey’s “no-fault divorce” grounds, irreconcilable differences simply mean that there has been a breakdown of the marriage that has lasted at least six months and there is no reasonable prospect of reconciliation. Without specific accusations, or laying blame on one spouse, citing irreconcilable differences may help to make the divorce process less contentious.
– 18 Month Separation: If you and your spouse have lived in different houses for 18 consecutive months or more, you may be eligible to file for divorce on the basis of separation. Because this is New Jersey’s other no-fault ground for divorce, you do not need to detail why you separated, but at the end of 18 months you will need to file a sworn statement that you and your spouse have been living separate and apart, in different houses, for 18 months or more and that you do not expect to reconcile. Be aware that living in the same house in different bedrooms does not fulfill this requirement.
– Extreme Cruelty: Prior to the implementation of Irreconcilable Differences, this was by far the most common ground for divorce in New Jersey, partly because extreme cruelty (despite the harshness of the wording) is subjective enough to cover both mild and severe forms of cruelty. For instance, extreme cruelty can describe a situation in which domestic violence is present, but it can also apply if one spouse simply feels that he or she has not received adequate emotional support for the past several months. When cited as a ground for divorce, extreme cruelty may be as expressive or understated as one would like it to be. However, it must offer enough detail to convince the judge that it would be unreasonable to expect the filing party to continue to live with and remain married to their current spouse.
– Adultery: If this ground for divorce applies, New Jersey requires that the complainant in an adultery divorce case state the name of the person with whom the extramarital affair was conducted. This person becomes known as “the correspondent” and will be sent a copy of the Complaint, which he or she can then dispute. If the correspondent’s name is not known, the person who files must give as much information as possible to describe this person. Evidence of adultery includes receipts for hotels and gifts, eye-witness accounts, photos, love notes and cards, and private investigator reports.
– Desertion: According to New Jersey divorce law, Desertion is different from Separation in that Separation requires “separate and apart” living conditions. Grounds on Desertion do not have to be separate and apart living conditions. This ground tends to arise when there is “willful cessation of sexual relations”. Note the emphasis on the word “willful” under this ground for divorce, which also can include “willful departure.” Desertion has a reduced time period too, requiring at least 12 months under its guidelines.
– Voluntary Addiction to Narcotic Drugs: Addiction is defined as a dependence on narcotics for a period of 12 or more consecutive months immediately preceding the divorce filing. If you choose this ground, you may need to provide evidence of the addiction.
– Habitual Drunkenness: As with drug addiction, drunkenness and alcohol abuse may be used as grounds for divorce. Evidence of alcoholism may also be part of your pleadings.
– Mental Illness: According to New Jersey statutes concerning divorce, this ground applies when one spouse has been institutionalized for mental illness preceding the filing of the Complaint.
– Imprisonment: If your spouse has been in a prison after marriage, this ground for divorce may apply in your situation. You can file a Complaint while your spouse is still in prison. If you wait until after he or she is released, you can still file using this ground, provided the two of you are no longer living together with the intent to reconcile.
– Deviant Sexual Conduct: This ground refers to sexual conduct engaged in by one spouse without the other’s permission or consent. The exact nature of the deviant sexual conduct is undefined under current New Jersey divorce law.
Which grounds for divorce best applies in your case? Every divorce case is unique, so it is vital for anyone filing for divorce in New Jersey to be represented by an accomplished New Jersey Family Law attorney who can offer professional guidance on the advantages and disadvantages of using certain grounds for divorce.
To learn more about starting the divorce process, which grounds to state in your Complaint for Divorce, or for general questions about divorce in New Jersey, please contact us.
Military Divorce Rates on the Rise in 2011
Military divorce rates reached a record 12-year high in 2011, with one in every 27 married troops getting divorced this past year, according to a new report from the U.S. Defense Department. The military divorce rate of 3.7 percent now stands slightly higher than national divorce rate of 3.5 percent and officials expect to see this number continue to rise as troops return home from service in Iraq and Afghanistan.
Among the revealing statistics contained in Defense Department data:
Interestingly, gender also played a significant role in rising military divorce rates, with women in the military demonstrating the most divorces overall. As USA Today reports, close to one in 10 marriages of female service members, or roughly 10 percent, ended in divorce this past year.
Officials also predict that military divorce rates will likely remain high as troops continue to return from the Middle East and reunite with families and spouses from whom they have been apart.
“As the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan draw down, we’re going to put more families together who haven’t been used to being together,” a spokesman for the Army Office of the Chief of Chaplains said at a press conference this week.
Weinberger Divorce & Family Law Group, LLC has extensive experience helping our servicemen and women through their divorce matters, whether or not they remain on active duty. We understand the intricacies unique to each branch of the armed forces and appreciate the need to obtain resolution with honor and dignity.
For more information specific to the military divorce process in New Jersey, please read our “New Jersey Out-of-State, International, Military Divorce” page and contact us with any questions specific to your marital situation.
Sources:
USA Today News – Military Divorce Rate Increases: http://www.usatoday.com/news/military/story/2011-12-13/military-divorce-rate-increases/51888872/1
Ending New Jersey’s 72-hour Marriage Waiting Period May Boost Business & State Revenue
Wedding chapels may soon be jockeying for space on the Atlantic City boardwalk if proposed state legislation to end New Jersey’s 72-hour waiting period for couples seeking a marriage or civil union license becomes law.
Why end the wait? Introduced by Assemblyman Louis Greenwald (D-Camden) and state Sen. Nicholas Scutari (D-Union), proponents of the marriage waiting period rule change say zero-wait weddings will give the state a competitive edge in the wedding tourism market and boost business in Atlantic City, Cape May and other New Jersey resort wedding destinations.
“This bill provides New Jersey’s small weddings market with a shot in the arm,” Greenwald said in a press statement on his website. “By gaining a competitive edge over our neighboring states, we will create jobs and jump-start the small businesses that make up New Jersey’s wedding and tourism industry.”
The proposed bill will also allow couples to apply for marriage or civil union licenses anywhere in the state, rather than the city in which they live, a move that possibly sets the stage for Atlantic City to become the Las Vegas of the East Coast for spur of the moment weddings. But if a couple marries on the fly after a night of high rolling and then wakes up in a state of not-so-wedded bliss? The bill gives them an easy out: proposed legislation allows for a marriage annulment without cause within 30 days if either a husband or wife requests it, according to NJ.com report.
Our own Bari Weinberger suggested, “From an economic perspective, there seems to be little doubt that it will be beneficial to local businesses. My concern is that if the bill requires a special annulment clause different from the current annulment provisions, it may be flawed from a cultural perspective.”
In the United States, 27 states have no waiting period for issuing marriage or civil union licenses. If passed, New Jersey would join Connecticut and Rhode Island as the only states in the Northeast without a marriage waiting period. Two of New Jersey’s neighboring states, New York and Delaware, both have 24-hour waiting periods.
Sources:
Assembly Democrats News Release – 11/29/2011:
http://www.assemblydems.com/Article.asp?ArticleID=4695
Surviving the Holidays After a Divorce
For most of us, the holiday season conjures warm, fuzzy images of special meals, family gatherings, and children unwrapping presents. But what happens when divorce turns these cherished traditions upside down? If you are divorced or separated, it is all too easy for the holidays to feel lonely, stressful, and downright depressing. But it doesn’t have to! If you are newly single–with or without kids–here are some easy tips for making the post-split holidays fun and enjoyable.
1. Prepare to Feel Emotional
Family therapists report a sharp increase in appointments with recent divorced individuals and families during the month of December. It’s little surprise why. Holidays are a unique time of the year and thinking back to all those Thanksgiving meals at your in-laws is often a potent reminder of the “good old days” before divorce. Be ready to experience a mix of emotions, from anger and resentment to jealously, depression, and sadness. Make an appointment with a therapist as needed, but in the meantime, be prepared to have an emotional reaction to everything from Christmas songs on the radio to sappy holiday TV specials. As a way to cope with post-divorce holiday depression, one divorce therapist has his clients recite: “I am human; I will probably feel sad; and I am ready!”
2. Create New Traditions
To maintain equilibrium during what can be a very difficult season, think about this first year after your divorce as a chance to celebrate the holidays in new ways, whether it is sharing a meal with friends and neighbors, volunteering, attending special holiday events in your community or place of worship, or seeing members of your own family. If you have children, keeping certain traditions–like opening presents of Christmas Day or lighting the Chanukah candles–is important for feelings of family continuity and security, of course. But establishing new rituals can be a powerful way to honor the family you are right now.
3. Don’t Be Afraid to Be Alone
If you don’t have children, or if your kids will spend the holiday with your spouse, recognize that there are worse ways to spend the holidays than by yourself. If you have the day off from work, fill the day with activities that are sure to lift your spirits. Rent a few comedies, get some exercise by going for a walk or hitting the gym, and do things that make you feel satisfied and happy, whether it’s fixing something around the house, reading, or playing with your dog.
4. Keep the Family Intact
Are you on reasonably good terms with your former spouse? If you have kids, you may want to consider spending parts of the holidays together as a way to acknowledge and honor the family that was, and most likely still remains, a huge part of your children’s memories, say family therapists. Attend your children’s holiday concerts at school together, invite him or her to come over for brunch or a gift exchange or for whatever tradition you shared as an intact family. However, don’t force it. If there is lingering hostility between the two of you, it may be best to skip the get together–and the stress and tension you would likely all feel.
5. Be Flexible
When kids are involved, try to work out holiday child custody arrangements well in advance, but stay open to making sure these plans remain what is best for your children. If this the first holiday season since your divorce, children can, depending on their age, have the same or stronger emotional reaction as grown ups when trying to cope with this new situation. It may be very important to your child to see his or her other parent on the holiday. Even if you can’t stomach the thought of sitting in the same room as your spouse, try to come up with a solution for your child’s sake. Get input from your child as to how he or she would like to spend the holidays, but to avoid disappointment or a scarring experience, do all the negotiating behind the scenes with your spouse. Bottom line, your child does not need to hear tense phone calls discussing what you will–or won’t do–during the holidays.
6. Do Something Different
Who says you need to eat cranberries and stuffing from Thanksgiving to New Year’s Eve? View this year as a way to redefine your holidays and celebrate on your own terms. Have you always wanted to go to a yoga retreat? Travel to a warm destination in the middle of December? Be a ski bum for the week? If you are newly single, and the thought of being around your married friends and family members just seems like too much, considering setting out on your own. You may be surprised by the number of other singles you meet and how much fun having a non-holiday can be. If you have other single or newly divorced friends, invite them along for an adventurous kick off to your new life.
7. Greet Your New Life
If your annual holiday greeting card was accompanied by a family portrait, photos of the kids, and a letter running down the highlights of your year, there is no reason not to continue with this tradition. Have a friend take a great photo of just you (or you and your kids) having fun and include it in this year’s mailing. This simple gesture can be a wonderful gift to friends and family to let them know that you are surviving–and thriving–in your post-divorce life.
If you find that you need help managing child custody issues or post-divorce matters this holiday season, please call us at (973) 520-8822 or fill out our online form to schedule a consultation.
Post-Divorce Increase in Income Impacts New Ruling on Spousal Support Calculations in Jersey
Has your spouse received a large raise at work since the two of you split? If you are seeking alimony as part of your divorce settlement, take note of this recent post-complaint ruling in New Jersey: a breadwinner’s increase in income following a marital separation or divorce may be used in spousal support calculations, especially if the spouse seeking support helped to make the earner’s success possible, according to Ocean County Superior Court Judge Lawrence Jones.
The ruling was handed down in Dudas v. Dudas, a divorce case that involved spousal support calculations at the end of the 26-year marriage of James and Pamela Dudas, reports the New Jersey Law Journal. James Dudas, the main breadwinner and an auto parts salesman, earned an average annual income of about $40,000 leading up to the couple’s 2007 split. In 2008, the year Pamela filed for divorce, James suddenly began earning much more money. In 2009, he took home $64,000, in 2010, $76,000; and in 2011, a projected $68,000.
Pamela was a stay-at-home mom for much of the marriage, with occasional jobs that rarely netted more than $18,000 per year. When Pamela requested that spousal support take into consideration her estranged husband’s higher income levels, James argued that alimony should be based on what he was earning when he and Pamela separated. Judge Jones sided with Pamela, finding that Pamela had provided James with a springboard for future success by maintaining a strong and stable household and working outside the home to support James when he tried, unsuccessfully, to start his own business.
“While on the surface there may appear to be logic and an attractive simplicity to defendant’s position, the financial complexities of divorce weigh heavily against completely excluding defendant’s post-complaint income from consideration in the alimony analysis,” Judge Jones wrote.
For Jones, the case boiled down to a question of equity — the goal of which is to enable both parties to enjoy a lifestyle as close as possible to the lifestyle they had during marriage; Jones reached the conclusion that recent successes that occur after a marriage separation and during the divorce process should not be ignored.
Post-divorce matters may warrant changes in your initial divorce agreement related to alimony as was the case in the recent Dudas divorce case or other modifications. To find out more about post-divorce changes for alimony or other New Jersey family law matters, just call us at (973) 520-8822 or consider scheduling a consultation online to discuss your specific situation.
Sources:
New Jersey Law Journal – Spike in Income After Marital Split Can Be Factored Into Alimony Determination:http://www.law.com/jsp/nj/PubArticleNJ.jsp?id=1202521259101&slreturn=1
A Spooky Time – Take the Fear Out of Divorce and Finding a Divorce Attorney
When you are trying to find the best lawyer for your divorce or family law matter, who wants to play trick or treat? Yes, it’s a spooky time of year, but we don’t think you should ever feel fearful or alone when making decisions that can affect you and your family for years to come. And with our help and expertise, you won’t have to! Our clients find confidence and peace of mind in knowing that Weinberger Divorce & Family Law Group, LLC offers legal leadership in the key areas that matter most in family law matters and divorce. If you’re spending Halloween doing a little lawyer shopping, here’s a quick rundown of the “treats” you can expect from us as well as a few of our tricks for finding the right attorney for you.
— New Jersey Family Law: The trick is to find a law firm that is experienced in all aspects of family law, including: divorce, child custody and support issues, domestic violence, mediation, pre-nuptial and post nuptial agreements. Our treat? We are counted among New Jersey’s leading family law attorneys, hiring any one of our attorneys is like hiring a team of professionals to help you in these family law areas, thanks to the accomplishments of our hard-working law associates. For proof, look no further than Weinberger Divorce & Family Law Group, LLC partner Bari Weinberger, one of only 2% of lawyers in the state to achieve the designation of Certified Matrimonial Attorney by the New Jersey Supreme Court.
— Divorce Law Experts: Contemplating divorce and don’t know where to start? The trick is to find a lawyer who can explain the basics of divorce in New Jersey and address the specifics of your unique situation in helpful terms and language that you can understand. Since our focus at Weinberger Divorce & Family Law Group, LLC is divorce — from uncontested divorces with no custody issues to contested high net worth divorces with complex child custody issues — our treat is that we do our best to make the process less scary, no matter what form your divorce takes.
— Child Support and Child Custody: The trick is to find a law firm that makes it a priority to keep a child’s sense of family intact. Joint, shared, or sole custody? Our treat is to assist you in determining which of these three types of New Jersey child custody arrangements is a match for your family. Unsure about child support calculations? Another treat! We will work with you to help you understand the guidelines imposed by the courts.
— Domestic Violence: When it comes to divorce support in light of domestic violence, the trick is to never let domestic violence frighten or intimidate you from taking those important next steps. Our treat — and our pledge to you? We are well-versed in the New Jersey Prevention of Domestic Violence Act and will aggressively work to protect you in all divorce and family law matters that involve assault, threats, or harassment.
— Experienced Mediators: Fearful of the time and expense divorce can entail? A treat for you right would be to learn more about private divorce mediation, a process in which willing parties come to the negotiating table with a skilled mediator to decide jointly the terms of a divorce, no litigation required. Mediation can address everything from how a couple should divide their assets to child custody and support decisions. Mediation can less costly and time-consuming than a traditional litigation before a judge.
We can’t offer any magic spells, but to find out what Weinberger Divorce & Family Law Group, LLC does offer to those seeking a divorce, residents of New Jersey are invited to schedule an initial consultation to discuss their divorce and family law matters or just call us at (973) 520-8822. We look forward to helping you.
Seven Myths About Divorce Mediation
From Arnold and Maria to your newly divorced neighbor down the street, why does it seem
like everyone these days who is contemplating divorce or separation is also considering divorce
mediation?
When a divorce is privately mediated rather than litigated, you and your soon-to-be former spouse
meet with a neutral third party, the mediator. With the mediator’s help, you will all work through
the issues needed to be addressed in order to end your marriage in an amicable and cost-effective
manner. But does divorce mediation really work for everyone? And what about child custody
agreements–are these addressed during the mediation process?
If you have done any online research for answers to your questions about private (non-court
mandated) divorce mediation, chances are you have come across a great deal of conflicting–and
just plain false–information. So to clear the air, we decided to address the top seven myths about
mediation and give you the facts about what this divorce process really entails.
1 – Myth: Mediation is for Everyone
Fact: In order to move forward with divorce mediation, both parties must agree to participate.
Unlike being served with divorce papers, you cannot be served a summons to show up for a
private mediation session (be aware that the rules for court mandated mediation are different).
If your former spouse asks you to participate in mediation, you and/or your lawyer should strongly
consider the merits of this process if conditions such as the following are present:
• a history of physical/emotional abuse
• substance abuse or mental health issues that lead to impaired judgment
• you suspect that your former spouse is hiding assets
Because mediation requires both parties to actively participate in deciding the terms of their
divorce, the emotional impact of lingering abuse issues, impaired judgment, or a former spouse who
is hiding something are concerns that just do not fit this model of “amicable divorce”.
2 – Myth: Mediation Means I Will Settle For Less Than What I Deserve
Fact: Because divorce mediation can be less expensive in the long-run than a litigated divorce,
you may both be able to hang on to more of your money up front in the form of reduced legal
costs. When it comes to dividing the assets of your marriage, remember that New Jersey is an
equitable distribution state–marital assets, property, and debt that have been accumulated during
the course of a marriage are divided fairly and equitably in a divorce. Whether you work with
a mediator or go before a judge, it is in your best interest to have a lawyer with you to make
your case for what is a “fair and equitable” division of assets. Remember, a mediator only works
with the information you provide; a good lawyer can help you prepare and present the necessary
documents to strengthen your claims.
If your divorce law firm has both qualified mediators and attorneys, as we have at Weinberger
Divorce & Family Law Group, LLC, please be aware that the firm cannot serve you in both capacities. A mediator
acts in a neutral role to help both parties whereas an attorney acts on one person’s behalf in an
independent advocate role.
3 – Myth: Lawyers Want to Litigate Not Mediate
Fact: The American Bar Association has embraced divorce mediation since 1984 when the
ABA put out their own set of standards for attorneys who wished to serve as divorce mediators.
By 2000, the family law section of the American Bar Association collaborated with national
mediation groups to devise the Model Standards of Practice for Family and Divorce Mediation.
You will find that many law firms, including Weinberger Divorce & Family Law Group, LLC , have attorneys on staff
who serve as impartial third party mediators. Divorce mediators do not have to be lawyers, but
we think it is to your benefit to have someone mediate who is trained in family and matrimonial
law.
We also believe that it is still in your best interest to have a lawyer by your side to guide and help
you during the mediation process. The choice to undergo private mediation is up to you and your
spouse. If your lawyer suggests that ligation in your case is a better way to proceed, make sure
you understand the reasoning behind this–and do not be reluctant to begin the process.
4 – Myth: Mediation Will Not Work Because I Cannot Stand to be in the Same Room as My
Former Spouse, Let Alone Negotiate With This Person.
Fact: We get it. You can’t even make eye contact with your former spouse without an argument
breaking out, so how are you supposed to work together on an agreement? Helping you
communicate with each other is at the heart of a mediator’s job. A good mediator keeps your
conversations productive and focused, especially when you find yourselves fighting the same old
fights. As the mediation process steers you toward making rational decisions you both think are
fair, we find this can often, but not always, lead to decreased animosity between parties. In cases
where mediation is desired by both spouses, but being in the same room is just not productive
at this time, it is possible to schedule separate appointments to work with the mediator, with the
goal of eventually being able to meet together.
5 – Myth: The Mediator’s Goal is to Save My Marriage
Fact: Mediators are not family or couples therapists. Their job is not to offer marital counseling
or somehow patch things up. By using mediation, both parties are agreeing that the issues in
a divorce need to be addressed and decided. Mediators are there to focus only on helping you
come up with a way to separate that you both think is fair and workable.
6 – Myth: Mediation Will Not Work If Child Custody Issues Are Involved
Fact: Research supports the notion that when families go through mediation rather than a waged
custody battle in court, children tend to have better long-term relationships with both parents.
What is behind this? As parents hammer out an agreement in mediation, it is often a time when
both parties face the fact that they will have an ongoing relationship as parents. It is also an
opportunity for spouses to realize that when it comes to the kids, they can be on the same side:
putting their children first. This is not to say that all child custody agreements should be handled
by a mediator. In instances where mediation is appropriate, however, we find that when parties
come up with a parenting plan they’ve jointly agreed on and gain tools to communicate with each
other about their children, it benefits the whole family.
7 – Myth: Determining Who is a Good Mediator is Like Finding a Needle in a Haystack
Fact: Currently, no state requires a private mediator to be licensed or certified, including New
Jersey. As a result, there is no shortage of people who have simply hung out their shingle
as a divorce mediator, some with questionable credentials. How do you find a good divorce
mediator? Look for someone with a strong knowledge of the state’s divorce laws (mediators are
not supposed to give legal advice, but can dispense legal information), a graduate degree in law,
at least 60 hours in mediation training/experience, and a commitment to following the ModelStandards of Practice for Family and Divorce Mediation.
At Weinberger Divorce & Family Law Group, LLC, we provide private divorce mediators as well as divorce attorneys
who are experienced in all aspects of the divorce process. For your personal consultation on
whether our services match your needs, please call us at (973) 520-8822 or use our Contact Us
form to schedule your initial consultation.
10 Back to School Tips for Divorced or Separated Parents
The kids are back in school. Lots of things are in transition as we start the new school year. As parents, we have school obligations to help our children stay safe, feel secure and be happy. In the case where parents are divorced or separated, there can be a lot in question.
Who signs the permission slips?
What about parent conferences?
And what happens in case of emergency?
No matter what your child custody arrangements might be, and whether your divorce was years ago or the split just took place over the summer, we know there’s no “easy A” when it comes to co-parenting during the school year. But we do think it can be much less stressful!
How? Here are ten top, tried-and-true tips for making this school year a successful one for your child in the case of divorce or separation of parents and, believe it or not, maybe just maybe a good one for you and your former-spouse, too.
Tip 1: Pre-School Pow Wow
Once you have the coming year’s school calendar (typically available on a school district’s website starting in early summer), schedule a meeting with your former-spouse at some neutral locale and make sure you each BRING A CALENDAR. Map out the school year schedule from September to June, making visitation plans and custody arrangements for school breaks, long weekends, and/or early release days, keeping in mind your child custody agreement. Things may change as the year progresses, but having a basic plan in place is a good starting point.
Tip 2: Keep School Contact Forms Current & Complete
When that huge stack of forms comes home with your child on the first day of school, make sure contact information is filled in for both you and your ex-spouse, including cell phone, work numbers, physical address and email addresses. Again, it might be easy to meet in some neutral place to fill out the forms together, but however you obtain this information, make a photocopy before returning forms to school to make sure you have these numbers too! If things aren’t so amicable with your ex and he/she filled in the forms separately, call the school to request a copy for your own records.
Tip 3: No Panic Pick Ups
While filling in forms, make the following items very clearly understood: the child’s primary physical residence, who is responsible for picking the child up from school on a daily basis, which adults are allowed to pick up children from school, and which parent to call first in case of emergency. Often, there is a box to check off or fill in with this information for divorced or separated parents. Make sure your former-spouse understands and agrees to the responsibility of picking up the child in case of sickness–or if an emergency on your part prevents normal pick up.
On the other hand, there may be custody issues, such as a parent not being allowed visitation with a child, which should be noted. If so, school forms usually provide a space to write in who is NOT allowed to pick up a child, so don’t overlook naming names, even if the person is no longer part of your lives. In the event a parent without child visitation rights shows up at the school, this documentation can be very important.
Tip 4: Keep Child Custody Swaps Away from School
Even if your child’s visitation with her other parent begins on Friday afternoons, avoid making school the spot where the two of you meet. Because seeing your spouse may be filled with tension or outright anger, and mixed emotions from your child, save yourselves the embarrassment and further stress of putting these issues on display for your child’s school. If your former-spouse lives in the same town, it might be possible for your child to ride the school bus to a stop closer to the other parent’s house (provided the other parent is there to see the child home from the bus). If not, pick a neutral spot like the mall or library.
Tip 5: Participate in School Conferences Together
Back-to-school nights, sporting events, concerts, and parent-teacher conferences are important parts of the school year and you should both make every effort to be there. If there’s still animosity with your ex, make sure the school is aware of lingering family difficulties long before it’s conference time or family fun night. A simple meeting or call to the guidance counselor to explain your family’s situation is all that is needed. The school, in turn, may have a guidance counselor present or on-call during parent conferences or have their own suggestions for how to make the situation work for all parities involved, especially your child.
Tip 7: Non-Involved Parents
If a parent has moved away or is no longer involved in a child’s life, make sure to let your child’s new teachers know this. This avoids embarrassment both for your child and the school when it comes to a “Dad’s Day” type of event and your child has no one to attend. Trust us, your son or daughter won’t be alone in this. If possible, line up a grandpa or uncle to step in at moments like this.
Tip 8: Don’t Make Your Child a Messenger
“Mom says we have an early release day next week so you need to pick me up.” “Our class field trip is an overnight one so I won’t be here next Friday.” It seems easy enough to task your child with letting your ex-spouse know about upcoming schedule changes, but this information really needs to be coming from you. Want to talk to your ex as little as possible? That’s what email is for! Email also creates a written record, so your ex can’t later claim, “but I didn’t know.”
Tip 9: Everybody Helps With Homework
If you are not the custodial parent, still make the effort to help your child with homework. Though this is rarely written into any child custody agreement, the burden of keeping up with homework assignments and longterm projects typically falls on the shoulders of the parent who has custody or who is taking care of the child at the time the work is due. Want to really help your child feel consistency and stability, even as they shift between two homes? Ask them to pull out their assignment notebook and see what you can help with–this works especially well with big projects that can be worked on over the weekend. Have weeknight visitation rights? Instead of going out to dinner, why not go to the library instead?
Tip 10: When There’s a New Spouse in Town
If you or your former-spouse remarry, unless a legal adoption takes place, the new spouse should not be listed on your child’s record as a parent, no matter how close the relationship. It’s fine to let the school know that your spouse is allowed to pick up your child and can be contacted in case of emergency (though in most circumstances, the other parent should always be the primary emergency contact). If your current spouse is highly involved with your child’s life, it is completely appropriate to attend school events together. To avoid any fireworks, and any embarrassment on the part of your child, extend your former-spouse the courtesy of letting him or her know about your plans.
— Jacqueline Tourville, writes about parenting and educations issues for various web and print publications. She holds a Masters of Education from the State University of New York.
Divorce 101 – Live & In-Person Q&A – Paramus, Bergen County, NJ
DIVORCE 101
FACTS AND MYTHS OF DIVORCE DISCUSSION EVENT
Location: The Paramus Corporate Center – Bergen County – New Jersey
Weinberger Divorce & Family Law Group would like to invite you to join us for a local panel discussion. Learn the basics of divorce and how to begin.
Featured Guest Speaker:
Erin Brueche, Esq.
Associate with Weinberger Divorce & Family Law Group, L.L.C.
Gain valuable information regarding many important and misunderstood facts surrounding divorce.
This event will answer critical questions such as:
Have your questions answered by a team of professionals including a divorce attorney, financial advisor, real estate agent, mortgage specialist and insurance professional.
When: Thursday, October 6, 2011
Where: Wells Fargo Bank
The Paramus Corporate Center
95 Route 17 South 2nd Floor
Paramus, NJ 07652
Time: 7:00pm – 8:30pm
*Seating is limited – Kindly RSVP by Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Call Jeanette at Weinberger Divorce & Family Law Group (973) 520-8822
What’s Reasonable for Child Support in Celebrity or High Net Worth Divorce Cases?
What if Linda Evangelista lived in Montclair, New Jersey and not Manhattan? Calculating child support when high net worth parents’ ability to pay is not an issue is the case in celebrity divorce news.
When Evangelista was at the height of supermodel stardom, her face was everywhere. But now Linda Evangelista is back in the spotlight for a very different reason after last month, filing a child support application in Manhattan Family Court seeking $46,000 a month from Francois-Henri Pinault, current husband of Salma Hayek and, as we learned from court papers, the father of Evangelista’s 4-year-old son, Augusten James. In what could turn out to be the largest support request in Family Court history, the New York Post reports the majority of the $46,000 a month in child support would go to cover a 24-hour nanny and personal drivers for the child.
Is this reasonable? According to a Bloomberg Businessweek publication, Francois Henri-Pinault’s total compensation as CEO of PPR (a luxury brand corporation) was roughly $5.2 million in 2010, not counting stock dividends or returns on other investments, with his net worth estimated at approximately $11 million. Evangelista’s exact annual earnings are uncertain, but she is reported to be worth at least $8 million.
Evangelista is far from poverty, or even simply being middle class, but according to a Huffington Post analysis, the law may favor the former supermodel in this case. In New York, child support rules state that in high income cases where parental income exceeds $130,000, an award of child support should be based on the child’s actual needs and the amount required for the child to live an appropriate lifestyle.
Who is setting precedence for these kinds of high net worth conditions in divorce and child support cases? It’s another famous celebrity name with its own twist: Sean “Diddy” Combs. In Brim v. Combs, the NY Appellate Division held that the Family Court made a mistake in basing a child support award on the amount of support Combs was paying for another child from a different woman, and not on evidence of the child in question’s expenses, resources and needs. The court used the custodial parent’s testimony to provide evidence of the child’s actual needs — meaning that, in Evangelista’s case, her request for a 24/7 nanny, in light of her unconventional career, may be viewed as reasonable by a court. And while the request for personal drivers may appear excessive and frivolous to most, a judge may think they are necessary for maintaining Augusten’s lifestyle — and that his father should foot the bill, or at least contribute.
What if instead of Manhattan, Linda lived in Montclair, New Jersey? Under current New Jersey guidelines for child support requests, in situations where parents have a high net worth, she might still be able to get the nanny and drivers. In 2007, a child support claim involved another celebrity — former Giants’ defensive-end, Michael Strahan. His ex-wife’s appeal of the initial divorce judgment helped to clarify how child support is calculated in high net worth cases in New Jersey. According to an Appellate Division decision of the New Jersey Superior Court ruling in the Strahan v. Strahan case, where high-income parents whose ability to pay is not an issue, “the dominant guideline for consideration is the reasonable needs of the children, which must be addressed in the context of the standard of living of the parties. The needs of the children must be the centerpiece of any relevant analysis.”
Bottom line: even in New Jersey, it’s possible Linda could make a case for round-the-clock care for her son and someone to cart him around… but just make sure it’s not in a horse-drawn cart! While child support guidelines are more subjective in high net worth cases, the Strahan ruling also referenced New Jersey’s longstanding “Three Pony Rule”, a guideline that states “no child, no matter how wealthy the parents, needs to be provided with more than three ponies.”
But the question remains: how much will Pinault need to “pony up” for his son’s child support?
Sources:
Rutgers University, New Jersey – Law Library:
http://lawlibrary.rutgers.edu/courts/appellate/a3747-06.opn.html
New York Post:
http://www.nypost.com/p/news/local/linda_demands_monthly_from_ex_8lWhicZ0088EQTIU1kouNI
Bloomberg Businessweek:
http://investing.businessweek.com/businessweek/research/stocks/people/person.asp?personId=1061221&ticker=PP:FP&previousCapId=666672&previousTitle=PPR%20SA
Huffington Post:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/evangeline-gomez/linda-evangelistas-stunni_b_922825.html
New York State Law Reporting Bureau:
http://www.courts.state.ny.us/reporter/3dseries/2005/2005_02660.htm